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Our Life's Mission is Learning Life's Lessons
July, 2005 Vol. I
CONTENTS
- Feature Article
- Ponderable
- Blog Outtake
- Quotables
- Author's Note
Feature Article
 Marriage
We hope here to present you
with several points of consideration to use in evaluating a marriage. So
many marriages are suffering from so much unnecessary turmoil and
strife. The whole institution of marriage and its viability in today’s
world is being questioned, especially with a divorce rate of around
fifty percent. So it seems appropriate to re-examine what is valuable
about the relationship dynamics of a good marriage.
According to Cullen Hightower, “Courtship brings out the best. Marriage
brings out the rest.” You would find that if you were to question the
majority of married couples, they would hands down agree with that
statement. And our interest needs lie with understanding what the “rest”
is. That’s what we intend to explore here.
So, where do we begin with this whole business of matrimony? Maturity
and matrimony exist in harmony with each other, without the first, the
second is doomed to failure. An important consideration before marriage
should be an assessment by each partner of their own, and their
partner’s maturity. Not their age—but their level of maturity.
Couples often get married without ever discussing even the most basic
criteria upon which they plan to base their marriage. Are they going to
have children, are they both going to have careers, what are their money
handling strategies, and where to live are just a few. To enter into
marriage assuming that you’ll be able to change your spouse or their
position on major issues is unwise and naive. Trying to change a
spouse’s “habits” is an exercise in futility to say the least.
Something to consider before marriage would be something as basic as, do
you like your spouse as a person? After all, it’s not unheard of for
people marry simply because they were sexually compatible. And then
there are those who marry because their sexual activity culminated in a
pregnancy. So it stands to reason you might want to ask yourself these
types of questions before engaging in any sexual activity.
A great marriage is based on a talent for friendship. As Joseph Joubert
so eloquently states, “Choose in marriage only a woman who you would
choose as a friend if she were a man.” You can be sure that when the
chips are down, a situation all marriages experience, the friendship
will be the thing to keep the marriage afloat. It’s that care and
affection for your mate’s well being that sees you through. And remember
this about the perfect mate, “A perfect mate is one who doesn’t expect a
perfect partner.”
Another characteristic of a great marriage is that you both inspire one
another. You encourage and support your mate’s passion and purpose, and
act as their personal cheerleader. You inspire faith and confidence in
them and believe in them and the person they are. Remember the words of
Robert C. Dobbs, “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to
think together,” Are you both operating from the same sheet of music?
It’s important to focus your energy not on what others say marriage is,
but rather, seek to create a relationship that is a unique expression of
who you are as a couple. Combine the best of who you both are and begin
there. Nisargadatta states, “In marriage you are neither the husband nor
the wife; you are the love between the two.” Adopt this as your approach
to personally designing your relationship.
Someone once said, “A good marriage is when both mates think they got
better than they deserve.” Think about how privileged and honored you
would feel knowing your mate felt that way about you, and vise versa.
Can you imagine the joy in your heart when every day with your mate is
like winning the lottery? This is the foundation of a great marriage.
There are always three entities in any marriage. There’s you, there’s
your spouse, and there’s your relationship. You will usually fair better
when your primary focus is on the relationship, which is the union of
two individual personalities. You attempt to join your strengths, and
offset your weaknesses. It is also vital to the relationship that you
each have your personal private time as well as your relationship time.
The most useful advice to improve a relationship is this: “Find pleasure
in giving.” After all, your partner is easier to love when happy. Why
not help your partner to be happy? Or as Tom Mullen puts it, “Happy
marriages begin when we marry the one we love, and they blossom when we
love the ones we marry.” Kindness is the bedrock of a great marriage
because kindness often begets kindness.
You can tell a lot about a person by the happiness of their mate. Lest
we forget, “The wooing never stops. Being the right person is far more
important than finding the right person.” Let your example be a message
to your mate about the quality of your heart. And when it comes to
building a great marriage you must not forget that hugs are the most
healing kind of contact because you can’t give one without getting one.
It’s been said that marriage is not a destination, but rather a means of
traveling. But in your traveling—don’t carry too much baggage with you.
It can weigh you down and wear you down. Carry your passport (your
marriage license), take some currency (your love), and your airline
tickets (your commitment to one another), and enjoy your travels (a
soulful union). Should be quite a journey.
A few lessons to consider right out of the gate, it’s not about who is
wrong, but what is wrong. The fact is that people often don’t grow up
until they’re married. So, maturity going into the marriage will make
this point easier to adhere to. There is only one response to conflict
that can open the door to intimacy, that is an intent to learn from the
experience. Don’t think you can punish your partner with fire when you
live under the same roof.
A lack of intimacy will cause marriages to grow numb. Ask yourself this
question, “How do I speak about my spouse when my spouse is absent?” It
may shed some light on the level and quality your intimacy. Intimacy
requires the setting of personal boundaries so I know where you end and
I begin.
If your spouse loves and respects you as the person you are, than by all
means quit worrying about getting your spouse’s approval for everything
you do, think, or say. Nobody ever agrees with everything another person
does. That’s not what’s important. What is important is understanding
that everyone has their unique way of doing things. Ask for input if you
must, but don’t be a slave to approval.
For goodness sake—enjoy your differences!
Different is good. That’s what probably drew you to your mate to begin
with. Your differences are what make is possible to become a fulfilled
human being. Think about it, if you have to live with an identical
replica of yourself, you could find out that you’re not such hot-stuff.
The last point I would like to make is this: the birth of a child does
not solve marital problems. It just manages to complicate an already
complicated situation. It also doesn’t do much good for the child’s
development. And if in the end you dissolve the marriage, you’ve
burdened a child with a broken home and all the challenges that implies.
Look around you and take a good look at those marriages you admire. What
makes them work? Is your marriage one that others would admire and want
to emulate? How do marriages last fifty, sixty, even seventy-five years
where the couple each still have that twinkle in their eye whenever they
look at their partner? What do they know that the rest of us don’t?
Well, I imagine the secret lies somewhere in the points we’ve discussed
here. “What do you think?”
Ponderable
Reason
We all seem to know at some level
what reason is. We rely on reason in our decision making and processing
of events. We all know it’s there “for a reason”, even if we can’t break
it down into its constituent components.
First, we could say that reason is what we use to make sense out of our
lives, activities and experiences. We use reason to find the meaning in
the events of our lives. As an evaluator of experience, we use reason as
a tool for discernment. It serves as a truth seeker for sorting through
the reality of our experiences.
Human beings have been known to act irrationally in the name of reason.
But reason is capable of evaluating itself; reason can detect its own
unreasonableness. In other words, reason can monitor itself, it is self
regulating.
Reason is the method we use to evaluate the content and the context of
situational reality. It has a sort of x-ray vision, enabling it to see
the true motivation behind someone’s behavior. Reason is our servant and
asks only that in return—we trust it. Reasonable people have always
understood that things are not usually as they may first appear. To
reason is to exercise our perceptual and intuitive capacity to see the
reason behind the reason given.
Read more ponderables... 
Blog
Outtake
"Choose in
marriage only a woman who you would choose as a friend if she were a
man."--Joseph Joubert
The real question is, what do you look for in a friend who doubles as a
marriage partner? I see many instances in my marriage where our abiding
friendship manifests itself. My wife is an ally, a confidante, a
companion, and my most ardent supporter. We share similar interests, our
personalities compliment each other, and we enjoy being with each other
more than with any others. We share a great sense of humor, we are
generous with each other, and we have a shared set of values. My wife is
amiable, congenial and cordial. She appreciates and values me, as a
person as well as a life partner. Most importantly, she gets me, she
understands me, she reads me, and rolls with the things that are
important to me.
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Another Ponderable
Energy
At the heart of the
life force is where energy resides,
the energy that is the lord and giver of life. This energy resides in
everything, from the stars in the cosmos, down to the molecular and cellular
levels. It is the motion maker, the great initiator, the momentum maker, God’s
conduit to all that is known and unknown. Energy is what gives rise to emotion
and continues beyond death.
There are actions we can
take that will energize us, or actions which will dissipate the energy in us.
The path of energy is either directed at you by way of such things as problems
and criticisms, or initiated by you in such things as pursuing opportunities and
solutions. Your energy field can either attract or deflect positive or negative
forces.
This energy flow becomes
constricted when we are under stress and tension, when we are fatigued, or when
we are unforgiving of ourselves. This constriction can be reversed by nature
(the ocean, mountains, forest), through relaxation and silence, or by
experiencing a calm and peaceful state of being. They provide us with that
proverbial second wind.
As you can well imagine,
our energy flows when there is a connection made, and becomes restricted during
periods of conflict. No matter what, you can never completely stop the flow of
energy, not even with death. Connection to the present moment allows for the
most unimpeded free flow of energy. Through being attentive to the present
moment—the now, energy of a cosmic nature, a universal consciousness if you
will, is able to transform the way we live our lives.
Energy is spiritual in
nature. There is a power within this energy that makes miracles a regular
occurrence. Like the ocean itself, this energy ebbs and flows like the ocean
tides. This energy is able to cleanse and heal in the same motion. This energy
is a gift from God and is therefore eternal.
For
more on this subject go to Volume IV, Emotions and Enlightenment in the
Learning Life’s Lessons Series.
Read more ponderables...
Author's Note
Welcome to the premiere issue of Life's Journey. In the coming months you'll
receive articles, quotes and numerous resources on subjects involving;
parenting, courage, transformation, love, reality, choice, and many others...all
designed to give you information that will help you live your best possible
life.
Do you have anything in particular you'd like to see here? Comments and
suggestions are welcome--simply use our
Feedback Form,
I look forward to hearing from you.
To Your Best Life,
V.P.Mosser
Learn the Lessons Technologies
Making sense out of our world.
www.learnthelessons.com
P.S. Don't miss a single information/resource packed issue--Subscribe
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Quoteable |
It is impossible to overemphasize the immense need humans have to be
really listened to, to be taken seriously, to be understood. No one
can develop freely in this world and find a full life without
feeling understood by at least one person...Listen to couples. They
are for the most part dialogues of the deaf.--Paul
Tournier,
To Understand
Each Other
There is nothing in
the world so attractive as someone who will dream with us, merge
their dreams with our own, clarify the path toward the actualization
of the dream, and lock their arms into ours while walking the
path.--Neil Clark Warren,
The Triumphant
Marriage
In fact there
are three complete beings in a marriage--you, your spouse, and the
relationship between you, but which is not exactly like either one
of you.--Walter Wangerin, Jr.,
As for Me and My
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Items Of Interest
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Enjoy this
issue? |
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You'll love Volume Three of the Learn
the Lessons Series
Relationships
by
V.P. Mosser
Available in
E-book and Bound formats
Go to catalog...
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People Need
People |
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Life is not meant to be lived in
isolation.
All life occurs within relationships.
We need to know we are needed, and so do
those we need.
Unknown
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Hymn
of
Marriage |
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The question is asked, "Is there
anything more beautiful in life than a boy and girl clasping clean
hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage?"
And the answer is given, "Yes--there is
a more beautiful thing; it is the spectacle of an old man and an old
woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are
gnarled but still clasped.; their faces are seamed but still
radiant; their hearts are tired and bowed down but still strong.
They have proved the happiness of marriage and have vindicated it
from the jeers of cynics."
Unknown
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More Quotables |
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The curse which lies upon marriage is that too often the individuals are
joined in their weakness rather than in their strength--each asking from the
other instead of finding pleasure in giving--Simone
DeBeauvoi
Success in marriage is more than
finding the right person. Being the right person is even more important--Elof
G. Nelson
To keep a fire burning brightly,
there's one easy rule; keep the logs together, near enough to keep warm and
far enough apart for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule--Marnie
Read Crowel |
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